Synopsis: A student battles with her social anxiety.
Content Warning: Depression and Anxiety
My hands tapped against my pants. My teeth were gritting. My heart was racing faster than ever. I clenched my fist and looked down to try calm myself. Twenty years old and I still had no idea how to do this. Class had ended five minutes ago, and I was still in my seat. The walls around me were alabaster-colored, with beige tiled floors and wooden desks. Shahd and Dina, two of my classmates, were in the row ahead of me. I had overheard them talking towards the end of class and had since been enthralled, pretending to work on my assignment. They were talking about my favorite band, Queen. Shahd was filled with excitement as she talked about her favorite album - A Night At The Opera, while Dina played with her hair, dark as night, preparing to get back to her rant about why News Of The World was far better.
“Even without Bohemian Rhapsody, you have You’re My Best Friend, ‘39, and Love of My Life,” Shahd enthused, gesticulating dramatically.
I opened my mouth to agree. I wanted to say how intense The Prophet’s Song was, and how You’re My Best Friend filled me with happiness. I looked up towards them, thinking I could finally say it. I waited for my opening. My chance to reply. And when it came - when Shahd finished - I simply shut my mouth.
I picked up my books and bag and walked out of the classroom. I was tormented by a shriek – a cacophony of voices, all mine.
Nobody wanted to hear my opinion - why would I inject myself like that?
They don’t care about me at all.
You’re My Best Friend? Please, you have no friends.
I tried not to listen to myself when I was in these moods, but I was right. I had been going to this university for two years, and still had no one to talk to. Every semester I hoped that I would finally be able to meet someone, anyone at all, and every semester, my hopes would still fade away.
I walked past the gardens, the scent of freshly cut grass filled the air. I saw dozens of students in groups of two, three, and even eight. How could anyone manage that? Talking to not one but seven other people? I dared not look at them longingly, dared not hope that someone would say, “I love your dress”, or “I know you from Algebra, right?” I simply stared down. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I didn’t want to scare them off.
Ten minutes later, I reached my dorm room, and let down my bag. I’d hardly gotten any sleep last night. I hoped to get some work done, but instead I just collapsed on to the bed. I stared up at the ceiling and the blankness of the beige textured paint stared back at me. I felt so alone. I turned to my side and pressed my knees to my chest, curling into a ball. I breathed slowly, trying to stifle my tears. My eyes started to feel heavy, and I drifted away.
When I opened my eyes again, I found myself staring into an endless void. Blackness surrounded me, but somehow, I felt just a little bit less lonesome. A chill ran down my spine and the cold of the emptiness seeped into my bones. My entire body was suspended, far from anything that could warm me, far from any feeling whatsoever. I floated forwards. Soon, streaks of light began to pass me by. They started coming out slowly, but soon, the muted colors were flying past me at a million miles an hour. The longer they flew, the longer the rays grew. The colors slowly grew bolder, and my body stiffened in fear. The hues began taking the shape of a bright red silhouette, a girl, far ahead in the distance. As I reached the girl, the outline enveloped me until I saw nothing but the cherry hue. Next a girl of canary-yellow started to come over the horizon, before she promptly encompassed me as well. I went through girls of salmon, violet, and emerald before suddenly, everything stopped.
A dark hallway appeared around me, with doorways on each side. As I walked past them, I saw different dates. The first date seemed familiar - my birthday. I walked past more doors with varying dates, until I came across an open door, with a piercing white light flooding the corridor. As I approached the door, my skin grew paler, anxious of what I may find. I turned the corner, and saw a small figure, a girl , surrounded by more children, a few meters around her in every direction. All the children were raven-black, on a scarlet matte floor. The child started to walk to the right, towards some of the other boys and girls. A bright white figure soon floated down, her wings supporting her. Soon, she surrounded the girl in the center. As my eyes adjusted to the piercing brightness, I saw a face emerge. I recognized her but could not place her - my mind was far too frantic. A bright blue gemstone on a silver necklace adorned her neck. She smiled down at the child. The girl looked back at me, and I soon realized – she was me, back when I was eight. The gateway slid shut in a fraction of a second, forcing me back with a gust of air.
There was a pause. Then, a shift in the atmosphere, though I couldn’t say what exactly. It felt…drier. I waited for something to happen, for the pain of remembering something to come back. And then I felt nothing. I felt hollow. And it was worse than any pain I could have possibly imagined. I looked down, crouched, and put my face into my hands. I couldn’t even cry. I heard a whisper, growing louder, and becoming higher in pitch. I felt the pressure increase around me.
And then I heard my alarm. I was cold. I cradled myself tighter. I pushed myself up, and slowly shifted out of bed. I looked back at my clock and saw I had only twenty minutes until class, so I quickly got dressed, grabbed something to eat and began to head out. As I picked up my keys from the doorside dresser, I paused to look at the photograph facing me.
I picked it up. I hadn’t seen my mom in two months. I missed her terribly, but college work always got the best of me. She looked like me. Dark brown hair, bright hazel eyes, and a round, youthful face. As I ran my fingers gingerly across the black frame, I thought of all the times we shared together. I put down the photo, getting one last grin as I saw her bright blue lapis lazuli necklace shining at me.
Time to get to class.
As I walked to the classroom, I started thinking about it again. How she never let me play with the other kids. She always had her reasons, that she was scared I’d get hurt. She missed me. Whatever the reason, I never got to see any of the kids in my grade. Tears welled out my eyes. I wiped them quickly before I walked in.
I pushed through the door gently, peering inside. I had been rushing to class, so I was four minutes early. The girls, Shahd and Dina were the only ones there already. The sunlight streamed through the windows, tinting the class orange. I walked past them quietly. “Morning,” Shahd said to me, and I anxiously smiled back subtly out of the side of my mouth. I put my backpack on my desk behind them. Dina peered at me before looking back at Shahd, and began talking about yesterday’s assignments.
I unpacked my bag and began doodling in my notebook, sketching the base of a head, to take my mind off my revelation. As I started to put in the eyes and iris, a shadow covered my drawing.
“That’s pretty good,” Dina said. She grinned at me widely with a sparkle in her green eyes.
I looked up slowly and gulped. I nodded gratefully, and was going to just look back down, but I felt I had to say something more. She was admiring my work.
What if she hates my voice?
What if she is just teasing me and hates the drawing?
What if she’s pitying me and doesn’t actually care?
I close my eyes and sigh. “Thank you,” I reply softly, “It’s going to be Alex Turner.” Her eyes brightened up even more, shining like a pair of emeralds, clearly a fan of Alex. I put down my pencil. “I’m Nada by the way.”
Author's note: Lots of thanks to the wonderful Amina Abdel-Halim for editing this story, originally published in the AUC Times.